after the rain
huge mushrooms dot the lawn
.I really like this!Because I really like it, I wonder if you could give it some more space.I often admire your haiku but want it framed more by space, away from other text.Sorry to sound brutal, but it's only because I'm a fan of your work! ;-).
there is a problem with 'huge' and 'dot'.I suggest you could drop the 'huge'and or add 'scatter' instead of 'dot' but i think'after rainmushrooms dot the lawn'is a good line
dot the lawn... very nice. :)
Gentlemen,I was able to get a picture from my commute that inspired the moment:D enjoyreihaisha
Post a Comment
4 comments:
.
I really like this!
Because I really like it, I wonder if you could give it some more space.
I often admire your haiku but want it framed more by space, away from other text.
Sorry to sound brutal, but it's only because I'm a fan of your work! ;-)
.
there is a problem with 'huge' and 'dot'.
I suggest you could drop the 'huge'and or add 'scatter' instead of 'dot'
but i think
'after rain
mushrooms dot the lawn'
is a good line
dot the lawn... very nice. :)
Gentlemen,
I was able to get a picture from my commute that inspired the moment
:D enjoy
reihaisha
Post a Comment